Today I am continuing my introduction to James Lehman’s The Total Transformation program.
In lesson two of James Lehman’s The Total Transformation, James Lehman discusses the various “well-meaning yet ineffective roles” that parents play that do not promote responsibility, accountability or change. He also discusses what children learn from these ineffective parenting roles and how these roles actually contribute to their obnoxious and or abusive behavior. Finally he teaches new strategies to use in order to reduce the ineffective roles.
How many times have you heard someone say: “Oh it’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it”? I know I have heard it a bunch of times, and to be honest have even said it myself. I suppose we all hope that our kids will indeed outgrow these phases of poor behavior, but let’s really think about what we are saying when we say they will outgrow the behavior. We are actually leaving the kid to handle his/her own behavior. We are refusing to help them make a positive change in themselves just because we think (or maybe a better word is hope) that they will work it out for themselves. The truth is, though, that our kids need our help to overcome these challenging stages in life. It is our job to help them learn how to overcome their frustrations, and to accept their responsiblities. When we say that they will outgrow the poor behavior, we aren’t helping them to find strategies to deal with what is causing the poor behavior in the first place. The roles we play in their development will determine how well or how poorly they face each new challenge and or frustration that comes in their path as they grow. If I sit back and say: Oh, my son is in his terrible 4’s–and just allow him to throw tantrums I am not providing him with tools he needs now or will need in the future to handle his own emotions. I can’t hope that he will just learn how to settle himself down and allow him to scream his head off-It just isn’t good parenting, but I certainly can’t give in to the tantrum and buy him or give him what it is he is screaming for either can I? No of course not, it’s easier and less embarrassing to give in but it isn’t going to prevent it from happening again. So what is a parent to do then? Well, James Lehman would offer this advice: Re-evaluate the messages you are sending to your children and then change your behavior and reactions accordingly. Chapter 2 of The Total Transformation Program gives various examples of inappropriate messages we may be sending our kids without our even realizing it! I just love this chapter!
Here are a few of the “poor parenting roles” parents portray that are ineffective and actually cause negative behavior in children.
1.”Bottomless Pockets” OH how we all know someone like this (if we aren’t this way ourselves). This is when a parent over indulges a child materially to stop the child from having a tantrum or to get them to act the way we would like them to act. According James Lehman this sends some very wrong messages. Buying a child excessive presents for no reason, or simply to prevent a melt down in the grocery store or your local Target is a BIG NO NO! Here is why:
A- It only stalls the bad behavior. After you buy that item, the behavior is going to continue, and unfortunately it will become a habit because your child learns that if I continue to scream and make demands on mom and dad, I will get what I want and get it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
B- It gives children a sense of entitlement. The child begins to think that we, as parents, must buy them something. We owe it to them.
C-It gives them the message that they don’t have to earn rewards or positive reinforcement. They begin to say: Why should I be good and act properly when I get what I want without acting appropriately.
D-It teaches children that they don’t have to work for something which is, as we very well know, it not the reality of life. When they grow up they will have a very hard time adjusting in the real world, at school, at work, in a relationship.
E-It teaches them to measure others by WHAT CAN YOU GIVE ME or WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME? They learn the power of manipulation very early.
F- The child fails to find the value in earning something and working for something and to find a feeling of true accomplishment.
So what do you do? Stop being a bottomless parent.
Before you head out to that store you tell the children: We are going to the store. This is my list of things I need to get. We can not buy anything that is not on this list. Stick to your list. Even if you remember that you need something when you get there DON’T stray from your list. If you break the rule for yourself the little one can pull the old “But you bought one thing not on the list, why can’t I have the coloring book” .
If they pull a tantrum –React calmly and say the behavior is not going to earn them the item they seek. Pretend you don’t hear it if you must. Leave your entire cart in the aisle and walk out of the store if it gets bad BUT DO NOT BUY THEM THAT ITEM! Yes it is embarrassing and everyone will be staring, and of course it is stressful but eventually the message will sink in. I have done it. I had my oldest yelling and screaming for something and I told him that he was not behaved well enough with his brother to earn it so there would be no reward at the store. Oh the embarrassment I felt with him acting up so badly earlier and boy was I ready to lose it in the mall, but I was THAT ANGRY that I said ENOUGH! I walked both little butts through the very long mall with him saying I hate you the whole time. Then as we got to the exit door came the real crying: I don’t want to go home!!!! Out the door we went and home we drove. Hard day for sure but I have to say that it worked. The two of them know that they need to earn a reward. Trips to the store and mall are definitely less chaotic now. Not perfect of course, but they are a lot better.
Another suggestion is to set up a rewards chart for each child. Give children a chance to earn a special reward. I found this worked well with my little one. I give him stickers for each day that he doesn’t lose his temper and then after two weeks of stickers I let him pick something out from the local dollar store. He acts as if I bought him an expensive toy; he is so excited and so proud of himself when he gets to go to the dollar store especially for his reward. I highly recommend this method very highly.
Next week I will discuss another bad role model technique. Until then, be strong mom and dad! You can get control of your child –It just takes committment and hard work.
I am hanging in here too. =)
For those of you who want to win The Total Transformation Program I am still giving away a copy of the program to a reader/fan. I have decided to do this giveaway a little differently –I am going to pick a random winner from the fans on facebook! I will be choosing a winner on May 8th so be sure to become a fan of because mom said so on Facebook right away! The winner will be notified by email on May 8th via Facebook.
Good luck!
